The world outside is out of reach. Physical windows, existing in imagined nursery rooms, look out onto story-book-styled fantasies influenced by animations such as The Last Unicorn and My Neighbor Totoro and the illustrations of Raymond Briggs. The painted landscapes and figures beyond the windows represent my hopes and dreams that were destroyed by recurrent miscarriages and infertility. The life I desire exists on the other side of the frame. Being a mother. The mother and child journeying through life on grand adventures together are a representation of the story that I long to be living in and my yearning to carry a pregnancy to full-term, hold my child in my arms, experience their growth as they get older, and discover them as their own person, full of life. Their travels and experiences on the other side of the window are a small glimpse into the lives that could have been.

Using acrylic, I painted different forms of light and added sounds to form imaginary worlds full of life that are realized on the other side. The seasons of spring, summer, fall, and winter are hinted at with elements on the windowsills in the physical world, contrasting with the vibrant suspended moments in time that exist beyond.

Spring represents new life and dreams of what is to come. The rising sun sweeping over the landscape and the petals carried by the wind illustrate the hope that I felt during my first pregnancy. Like fireflies, wishes are out of reach in Summer. While on bedrest during that pregnancy, I spent my days wishing. Like the unattainable fireflies, the wishes are scattered, unable to be grasped and held onto. Light beyond the dying sun and fireflies exist, artificial, hinting at a different future. Though the sun is trying to peek through in Fall, the clouds are ominous. Rain, like tears, falls onto the landscape, as hope diminishes. Following multiple pregnancies and just as many losses, my hope failed. What remained was grief. Despite the heartache, I had to carry on. In Winter the only light that prevails is artificial. With the freshly fallen snow, this light represents a new purpose and a chance to find meaning beyond motherhood.